She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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