Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
