omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
