when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
