I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
