I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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