i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
