1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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