worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
