I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
