phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
