Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
