Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
we made out on top of his cat.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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