I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
