I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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