life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
