Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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