Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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