You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
