i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
