No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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