Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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