honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
