Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Never underestimate the power of titties
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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