Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
