WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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