I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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