The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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