Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I am spending my child support on dildos
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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