Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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