he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
