Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
