I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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