any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
this hospital has no fireball
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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