My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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