I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
