I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize