I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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