I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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