MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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