I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
