At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
We named our party play list daddy issues
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
