I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
