You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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