I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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