We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
