My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
