Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
That's intense
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
