we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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