A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
