Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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