I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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