words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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