He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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