I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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