We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
