I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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