Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize