Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
