After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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